January 23, 2018
I haven’t been sleeping well. I can’t seem to turn my mind off when my head hits the pillow. In fact, the opposite reaction seems to happen. I become more awake than I was minutes before getting into bed.
Tonight, the flood gates broke. I was talking to my hubby and I couldn’t stop crying. Ugly, can’t catch your breath, your head throbs crying. Ironically, I didn’t cry when I met my Dad and tonight I can’t stop crying. I fell into the deep cavern of sadness. Not anger but sadness. This incredible man is my Dad and I have missed over 40 years. I am sad for myself and I am sad for my daughter. As I officially kicked-off a roaring pity party, I continued to spiral into the abyss wondering if it’s possible to get to know one another after all of this time? Is it possible to build trust with thousands of miles between us and a 3-hour time difference?
I have struggled all of my life not fitting in. I didn’t fit into my adopted family. Not only was I so physically different (much, much larger) from my adopted parents but I had very different values (obviously!). In college I was different and I didn’t fit. I certainly wasn’t the smartest student nor was I the most popular. When I began working at an engineering firm I was different…so different I was jokingly referred to as a “purple cow.” In this case, being different wasn’t so bad from engineers but I would have much preferred a reference to a magical, mythical creature like a unicorn but alas I was a “cow!” I was a non-engineer, I was a female and would later become the first female shareholder and first female Board Director. I didn’t fit into my mom’s family. They were so incredibly close. They thought, they spoke, they acted as one, collective family. They finished each other’s sentences and they saw one another often, if not every day.
But immediately with my Hawaiian family I fit. I fit physically, I fit because of my great desire to give to my community, I fit as a leader. I have always been drawn to Hawaii. To the culture, to the people, to the sunshine and to the ocean.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful in anyway. I only mean to express how sad I am that I have missed so much.
#ancestry, #hawaii, #DNA, #adoption, #pineappleprincess360, #thisisreal