July 23, 2018
We arrived home at 9 p.m. Washington time. I felt off-balance. I was glad to be home but it felt different to be home, I was different. I am starting to realize I have changed. I feel more confident, even more bold. A willingness to stretch knowing I have such significant family support.
Coinciding with our arrival home, I received a text from my Mom saying she was in town. She recently moved to Idaho to be close to my brother who was having twin babies. We had a series of texts and subsequently inevitable frustration and miscommunication. My relationship with my Mom has always been work. I know I am not the easiest for her to understand and connect with but we have both tried. I feel like she is cautious. She is always waiting for an explosion of anger from me for giving me up for adoption. This emotion seems to exist beneath the surface regardless of how many times I say to her I am who I am because of all of my experiences…not just the good ones. Now that I see how easy it is with my Dad I’m sad it has to been so much work with my Mom.
My Mom has consistently said, “you don’t need a Mom” but I do and I always have needed a Mom. Now that I have a “real” Dad I recognize how much I have missed out on both a Dad and a Mom. What if I had someone to call and ask advice from? What if my daughter could have a close relationship with her grandparent? What if I had a parent I could depend on and trust?