Heart Break

How do I protect someone’s heart when I know the truth will hurt?

My Mom was in town visiting. I’m sure she was curious about my time in Hawaii but wasn’t pushing for details. She decided to extend her stay and rented a beach house. After dinner, while the kids played and with a glass of wine, she began to ask her questions.

I shared some of the emotional and difficult moments. I shared how I felt and I shared how absolutely hard it was for me to get on a plane to come home. She has always been a good listener and so she listened. My sister asked clarifying questions that led me to sharing some realizations I have had as I reflected on my time with my O’hana.

  • My Mom wanted my Dad to rescue her before I was born. She wanted him to tell her it would be okay and that together they would raise me.
  • My Dad would have never “abandoned” me had he known I was going to be given up for adoption.
  • My Mom needed someone in her family to stand by her and to help. She had no one stand up for her to take care of me.
  • My Dad knew I existed and trusted I would find him. He didn’t know how to nor did he prioritize finding me.

Tough reality.

I didn’t want to hurt my Mom by telling her if she had called my Dad to tell him she was giving me up for adoption that my life would have been different and just possibly better. But I knew I couldn’t keep that from her. My Dad was angry she made that decision and at some point his feelings may be revealed to her!

My Mom shared how she would have loved to have a month with me when we first met. She shared, through tears, that she thought she had lost me to my Dad’s family.

As we talked, my Mom also revealed how my adoption impacted her ability to be open to love with her closest family. She told us she was cold and cut off to her children and her husband to the intimacy that comes from an open heart. I know the wall she puts up around her heart. It has taken me a long time to see her wall come down to reveal her true feelings. She shared how much giving me up impacted her ability to be open to love.

While my story has some amazing beauty the sadness and heart break exists as well.

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